Travel Holiday

Is it just me or is it sometimes hard to hear what characters are saying on one hour dramas? In an effort to have the dialogue sound more real and natural actors are now starting to mumble. Kiefer Sutherland is either screaming, “Get on your knees! NOW! … or whispering. It’s one thing to whisper during a tender moment or when you don’t want others to overhear but “I’ll drive” can be said in a normal tone.

And I’m not just singling out 24. MAD MEN drove me crazy last season. I could make out maybe 40% of what Peggy said. It’s less bothersome on HOUSE because with all the medical jargon I don’t understand what they’re saying half the time even when they do enunciate.

WEST WING’s signature rapid walk and talk dialogue was fine when Josh was whining about his love life but when the topic was foreign policy in Rwanda I was lost. Take a breath people! Just once.

When I’m watching one of these shows I usually have to pause and go back once or twice to decipher a line. And it really bugs me to rewind three or four times just to learn the actor was saying, “I hear it’s going to rain tonight”.

I blame David Janssen. He played THE FUGITIVE back in the 60s and you never understood what the hell he was saying. He whispered and mumbled and when the scene called for him to really act he stammered. When he saw the one-armed man about to kill his wife he probably could have saved her if the one-armed man could make out that he was yelling, “Stop!” No intruder is going to be scared away by “Shgmmetip!”

And since single-camera shows usually do five to ten takes of every scene, you wonder just how incomprehensible the takes they didn’t use were.

In comedy it is CRUCIAL that the audience hear the lines, both the set up and the punch line. The minute the listener strains to hear dialogue, you’re dead. The Indian guy on BIG BANG THEORY swallows half of his jokes because he says them too fast and has an accent.

My general rule of thumb is: Brando is dead. Say the lines! God knows how many of the laughs I’ve missed on 24.

… the Southern California Sportscasters Association for naming me best sports talk show host of 2008. Actually, I co-won with Lee Hamilton but still. My thanks to the Dodgers, KABC, the SCSA, and especially my broadcast partner, Josh Suchon. It really is a two-person show, as much Ginger as it is Fred. So half of this is yours, buddy.

This is also the first award in a year that MAD MEN didn’t win.

…doesn’t mean they still can’t screw up your scene. Here’s an example: It’s from VOLUNTEERS written by me and David Isaacs.

The setting is Thailand 1962. Lawrence (Tom Hanks) and Beth (Rita Wilson) are in the Peace Corps. They’ve helped build a big wooden bridge over the river for this tiny village. But now they learn that communists and a war lord will be using it to invade them in a few hours. So along with Lawrence’s sidekick, At, they hastily start packing. The fun of the scene is that Beth misunderstands something Lawrence says and it leads her to the idea of blowing up the bridge. And later Lawrence blurts out that he loves her. And even he’s surprised. But it all has to happen fast, otherwise his admission is pre-mediated. The director shot our words exactly as written but instead of shooting it as a frenetic scene he made it slow and rueful. So to me it made no sense.

Here’s the scene. Imagine it both ways. Which do you think works best?

INT. LAWRENCE’S CLUB – NIGHT

Our three heroes have returned soaked. Ai Po (the town elder) sits solemnly at the bar.

CAMERA STARTS on the bridge and pulls back to reveal the back of Beth’s head, facing it.

BETH
Our bridge. Our beloved Goddamn bridge.

She turns to face the interior where Lawrence and At are on the floor, catching their breath.

LAWRENCE
At, my pathetic little friend, are you all right?

AT
I’m fine. So I die before I ever have a woman. I helped build a bridge and some fat guys touched me. I had a full life.

LAWRENCE
If you want any more of it we’d better get going. At seven a.m. this morning all Hell’s gonna break loose.

BETH
You didn’t tell me it was seven o’clock. Jesus, there’s no time to lift a finger –

LAWRENCE
Just one of those days, I guess. At, up and at ‘em. I’ve gotta get my dope, my booze – you know, the essentials.

They rise and start collecting booze, etc.

BETH
Oh, my God, how did this happen? All the speeches… all the promises…

AT
I’m taking my grandfather.

LAWRENCE
All right. Just jam some hooch into his jumper.

AT
What about our genuine Persian carpet?

LAWRENCE
Tear it down. We’ll roll it up around your grandfather.

Beth whirls around.

BETH
Tear it down – of course! We have the dynamite. We’ll just blow the bridge to bits.

LAWRENCE
Beth, we’re in kind of a hurry here –

BETH
Blow it to bits – Lawrence, that’s a brilliant idea. We’ll show those war-mongers that the people won’t stand for their tyranny.

LAWRENCE
At, tell he it can’t be done.

AT
Should have been done in the first place. I’ll help you, Beth.

LAWRENCE
(picks up Beth)
Thank you, At.

BETH
Put me down!

LAWRENCE
Beth, don’t be crazy.

BETH
Leave me alone, I’ll do it myself.

LAWRENCE
I won’t let you.

BETH
Why?

LAWRENCE
Because I love you… Who said that?

BETH
If you love me, you’ll help me.

LAWRENCE
Now I know I didn’t say that.

BETH
Lawrence, you can’t have me unless you blow up the bridge.

LAWRENCE
That’s blackmail. Okay, fine. If that’s what it’ll take, I’ll blow up your silly bridge. I’ve done crazier things.

Lawrence and At start to move off.

BETH
No, wait. I’m sorry. I know you think the right thing can be done for the wrong reason, but for me motives are important. Lawrence, you can’t be part of this if you’re doing it for yourself.

AT
What have you learned, Dorothy?

LAWRENCE
Alright, fine. I’m blowing up the bridge for me, I’m blowing up the bridge for you, for At, for the people, for America! Please, just let me blow up the goddamn bridge!

A beat, then:

BETH
You really do love me.

LAWRENCE
Yes, I do. Can we go now?

BETH
Right away.

LAWRENCE
Thank you! Thank you very much!

Beth and At run out. Lawrence follows, figuring out what just happened.

LAWRENCE
(muttering to himself)
I think I’ve just changed my mind about grad school.

Lawrence exits.

While I’m in a VOLUNTEERS mood…

I ran this before a couple of years ago and it still hasn’t happened. There should be a star on the Hollywood Walk-of-Fame for John Candy. Local LA disc jockeys have stars. If you don’t live in the 310 area code do you have any idea who Johnny Hayes is? He has a star.

From what I understand you offer to pay the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce a certain amount of money. It used to be $20,000, I’m sure it’s gone up. The committee then votes. But again, Johnny Hayes has one.

To nominate John Candy here’s where you go. If ever a star deserved recognition it’s John. Especially now since his body of work is fading into DVD and VHS remainder bins and the TBS late night movie package.

I was privileged to work with John on VOLUNTEERS. He was a true comic genius. “Tom Tuttle from Tacoma” was a two-dimensional character until John got ahold of him. He had that rare ability to play silly and real at the same time.

Doug suggested we get up a grassroots campaign to get John Candy a star. Finally, a cause this election season I can get behind.

Here’s an example of John’s work from VOLUNTEERS.

Late in the movie. Lawrence Bourne (Hanks) and Beth (Rita Wilson) are rallying the villagers to blow up the bridge they built for the Peace Corps. Tom Tuttle (Candy) has been away, brainwashed by the Communists. He enters the hut with a stick of lit dynamite.

TOM
Fools! Yankee imperialist swine, running dog, lackey, capitalist vermin, foul-breathed counter-revolutionary terrorists. You didn’t really think I was gonna let you get away with this? The word of the people will continue to march over that bridge long after we have become specks of useless matter carried on the wind.

LAWRENCE
Tom, guess what? It’s my birthday. Can I blow out the candle?

TOM
I’m not afraid to die. Not for a cause. Sure, there’ll be stuff I’ll miss. Tuna casserole with little potato chips on top. I love those. And Sandra Dee. I’ve never told anyone, but I like Sandra Dee. And some day I would have gotten her. And she would have left Bobby Darin for me. But now that can never be. Happy birthday, Larry.

(They grab the dynamite stick and put it out.)

LAWRENCE
Bring him over here. I’m gonna light this and shove it down his pants.

Beth leans over Tom and slaps him lightly in the face.

BETH
Tom… Tom, what’s wrong? Why did you try to kill us?

TOM
We must unite with the masses. The more of the masses we unite with the better.

LAWRENCE
Here, let me try.

He slaps him hard.

TOM
(singing) America, America, God shed His grace on thee…

Lawrence slaps him again.

TOM
The people’s army must become one with the people so that they see it as their own army. Such an army will become invincible.

Lawrence slaps him again.

TOM
(singing)… And crown Thy good with brotherhood…

BETH
Those days he spent in the jungle … something must have happened out there.

Lawrence slaps Tom.

TOM
Stop! Stop it! I’ll read the book, I’ll see the film, I’ll wash the people’s truck. I’ll do whatever you say… It’s the commies. The commies made me do it. They want the bridge. They used me. Y’see, they wouldn’t let me get any snooze time in, they kept talking… they never shut up … I challenged myself to resist, but who was I kidding…?

BETH
Tom, what are you talking about?

LAWRENCE
Let me hit him again.

TOM
The commies… They’re gonna come. They’re gonna take over the bridge and the village… And I did it for them. (sobbing) How’s that gonna look on my resume? “Peace Corps 1962, turned village over to Communists” … Who’s gonna hire me?

Forget the damn Oscars! PLAYBOY has announced it’s top five nominees for the “Sexiest Sportscaster of 2008”! And it’s a hot competition this year, gang.

ESPN’s Erin Andrews (the Meryl Streep of this category) is looking to repeat. If the other contestants have to wear clothes then Erin is going to be hard to beat.

Also from ESPN – Bonnie Bernstein. I love the nose. She also knows her sports but when has that ever counted for anything with PLAYBOY readers?

Lauren Shehadi, from CBSSports.com made the cut. She’s got that girl-next-door thing working for her.

Fox Network’s rising star Charissa Thompson stands a good chance. You see her on THE BEST DAMN SPORTS SHOW (well, you would if you ever watched that show). Proving her range she does football sidelines reporting for the Big Ten Network. Based on that assignment, she’s already been crowned Miss Wyoming even if she was only in the state for one Saturday afternoon.

And finally, there’s Molly Sullivan of the MountainWest Sports Network. She’s a former swimmer and next to girls in Catholic school uniforms, PLAYBOY readers really love that.

The winner will be announced February 12th. Next to the Peabody, this has to be journalism’s most prestigious award.

Aloha. Winging to Hawaii. But assuming they have the internet over there my blog posts will continue uninterrupted. I just won’t hate everything as much.
Friday questions comin’ at ya:

Richard Y asks:

A 3 Episode ARC. Is ‘arc’ an abbreviation or an acronym? If either, what does it spell out to be?
Thanks.

Writers use it describe a storyline that stretches over two or more episodes. One season on CHEERS our yearlong story arc was that Sam was trying to get into Rebecca’s pants. Throughout the course of the episodes he tried every sleazy, lying, despicable tactic he (us) could think of. NBC did research testing on that season and Sam tested way higher than anyone else. Why? Because he “cared” about everybody in the bar and was the father figure everyone could trust. Huh???? What shows were THEY watching???

From Damian in California:

I have a question regarding those preview shows such as “CBS Television City” at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Do they help you at all?

We saw about 3 of them.
1 was great – Big Bang Theory
1 was terrible – never made it to TV
1 was so bad we left half way through (they claimed it was kid appropriate, so our kids were watching it with us, but actually they had changed the TV show that day from a Discovery family friendly show to some trashy adult show)

CBS decided that they get a much better cross-section of Americans in Vegas than LA. And they’re probably right. Just walk through the MGM Grand casino, check out the clientele, and you’ll know why THE WIRE is not a big hit.

Here’s the bottom line with research testing: If it is used as a tool, another source of input then yes, it is valuable. All feedback is valuable. But if it becomes the final determination on whether your show is picked up or not, or if it dictates the direction your show must go, then it is very destructive. How do you measure creativity and ideas? Executives rely on research because they’re covering their asses. But when ALL the shows that get picked up test well and 90% of them fail anyway then doesn’t it stand to reason that this is a faulty system?

And finally, from Erich Eilenberger:

I remember that you and your partner wrote one of my favorite episodes of CHEERS, “Rat Girl,” which had a really great argument scene between Frasier and Lilith. Then I noticed that you also wrote “Room Service,” which was one of my favorite episodes of FRASIER and also featured Lilith. Looking at IMDb, it seems like you wrote a lot of the episodes of FRASIER featuring Lilith. I have to assume that this was intentional, but it seems unusual, especially given how collaborative writing for a half-hour comedy is. Were you considered to be the Lilith writers? And did that happen for a particular reason?

For whatever reason, David and I seemed to have a flair for that character. I always worry what it says about us. I was a Psych major at UCLA and pretty good at slinging around that psycho-babble so that helped too. In fact, the only use I ever got out of my four years of studying psychology was the ability to better write Lilith’s bullshit.

Got a question? I’m here to help (unless I’m snorkeling)

Announcing a new feature! Based on a reader’s question I surveyed a number of very successful actors and actresses to learn how they memorize scripts. Their answers were all fascinating and wildly different. There were too many to squeeze into one post so over the next few weeks I’ll be sharing the rest. I’m sure a few of you have methods of your own. My thanks to these actors for their generous participation. Memorization is just one of the many skills I don’t have to be an actor.

Actor 1

Read the scene a few times. Try not to read it out loud a lot. Then get a pad and scribble your dialogue as quickly as possible without worrying about being able to read it back later…no punctuation. Write as fast as your brain goes. Keep doing that until the lines come fast.

Then have someone read the scene with you a few times, or do it yourself covering the dialogue with something until you get to it.

If they’re good lines it’ll go quickly. If they’re crap lines, do the same thing but curse a lot while you’re doing it.

******

Actor 2

I have a lousy memory. And it isn’t - for me at least, though I expect this may be generally true - something that gets easier with time, since, with time, one’s memory declines.

I HATE memorizing.

Then, there are 2 categories of memorizing: 1) Theater - must be word perfect. Them’s the rules, since the script is “rented” from the owner, not purchased. 2) tv/film: depending on who the producers are, who the director is, how much clout the writer has (lots if he’s a producer - as you know), one may be able to get away with a bit of paraphrasing…or “improving”. More in drama than comedy, I think.

Here’s how I memorize, and it’s totally obsessive/compulsive.

I number all my lines. If there is more than one scene, and the scenes do not immediately follow each other, than I treat each scene separately. After numbering, I go through the scene, making sure I can do each line by memory. Then I make sure I can do each pair of lines by memory. 1&2. 3&4. 5&6, etc. Then I do 2&3, 4&5, 6&7, through to the end. Then by 3’s. 1-3, 4-6, 7-9, etc. Then 2-4, 5-7, 8-10, etc. Then 3-5…. Then by 4’s, 5’s, 6’s, until I’m doing the entire scene’s lines from memory. If there are lengthy speeches, I also treat them as separate entities with this method. This is a method of my own devising, and probably a rotten way to go about it. Some people simply look at dialogue and remember it. Some people should not ever step in front of my car.

And that’s how I do it. If working creatively is heaven, then my process is hell.

Oh, and one also has to memorize cues…or just wait until there’s a lengthy silence and then begin speaking. Cues, sometimes, are actually more difficult, unless they actually “cue” the next speech.

Friendly cue: What time is it?
Unfriendly cue: I’m feeling kind of…mushy.

******

Actor 3

Hmmmm…. Good question. It just comes from a combo of looking it over and the repetition of saying the lines. I think I’m a visual learner because if I can visualize the type and where it was on the page, the words come. It’s probably second nature at this point. It’s also really great for me to have at least one night of looking at it just before bed. Then, somehow, the next day …as if by magic….it’s there. ( I go into a terrible panic when handed pages on the set!)

Overall, I would say that the more often someone practices the skill the better they become at it. I’d advise a new actor to work on various monologues regularly …..just to become easy with the skill (I’d recommend Shakespeare.)

I do have to say that good writing is easier to memorize. Bad writing can be a real struggle. CSI is a nightmare!

**************

Actor 4

The truth is that the only time I actively memorize is when the lines are awkward or poorly written. Then it is sometimes necessary to go over the words again and again until you find a way to make them ‘fall trippingly off the tongue’.

When doing a play, where everything must be learned at once, I usually find that by the time I have studied my way through the script several times I have already picked most of them up. The thing that seals it is the blocking process; suddenly you just know that when you cross down stage left and pick up that glass you say “X”.

The same is true when you are shooting movies and long form TV. You just do it scene by scene, and working with the other actors makes it all come alive and be much easier.

Now sitcoms - that can be a real challenge since those darn writers just keep fussing and adjusting up until the moment they are thrown off of the sound stage by the janitor after the final taping. I made the mistake of telling the Charles Brothers that I was a very quick study. It got to be a sort of game with them to give me brand new lengthy orations just as the stage manager was counting down. Certainly kept me on my toes!

Stay tuned for more memorization methods. Hope you find this topic as fascinating as I do.

Switching back and forth between the inaugural balls and AMERICAN IDOL’S open auditions it was really hard to keep the two straight. I mean, the level of talent was sooo similar.

AMERICAN IDOL (which hailed from San Francisco and assembled its multitude of hopefuls in the aptly named Cow Palace), kicked off Tuesday night’s edition with a Puerto Rican floozy in a prom dress best described as “attack victim” shrieking Aretha Franklin and boasting that no one’s a better singer.

Beyonce sang “At Last” as the new president and his wife danced. No one, not even Etta James, ever sang it better.

The judges were split on prom girl. Her voice wasn’t terrible but she had this laugh that was so bone-chilling annoying you could understand why anyone, even Gandhi, would want to beat her. Could become the most insufferable IDOL candidate ever.

Next was a goofball in a multi-checkered coat, the kind Lindsey Nelson used to wear. The official name for that style is “Who shot the couch?” He massacred Simply Red.

Stevie Wonder performed at the Neighborhood Ball. He was better dressed and can’t see.

A deer-in-the-headlights kid who can do Rubik’s Cubes was so sharp and piercing that electric garage doors in San Francisco all opened automatically.

Shakira brought down the house.

A zoftig gospel singer showed up toting a sheaf of notes, lyrics, and throat diagrams. She pointed out where the “larnix” is. Later, in her audition when her song selection was questioned she said, “I know. I gave you the wrong rectum”. She blamed her failure on nerves. Her words: “I shouldn’t let Paula and Randy irractitate me.” And I thought we were through with George Bush.

Mariah Carey, stuffed into her gown like sausage casing, electrified the inaugural partygoers.

In the most shameless A.I. audition to date, a father brought his two young children into the room. It worked. He was sent to Hollywood. Watch. Next season every idiot will have kids, puppies, wounded birds, disabled veterans, Katrina survivors, or Gary Coleman.

Sting had a little help too. He worked with that blind guy. Stevie Wonder did an amazing duet with him.

A willowy blonde mutilated Gershwin’s “Summertime” believing that wrong notes constituted a jazz interpretation.

Another willowy blonde, Faith Hill, hit all the right notes.

The obligatory pretty boy made his appearance. Paula sent him through before he even opened his mouth. Her eyes bugged out like that wolf in Looney Tunes.

Alicia Keyes was wonderful. Her stirring performance at the Writers Guild strike rally was not a fluke.

The best IDOL audition was from a kid named something like High Colonic. He was so good he didn’t need the mother who had seizures. But you can’t leave anything to chance. Not with cute kids in the building.

In watching both the balls and IDOL again, I think on second viewing Beyonce, Stevie, Mariah, Alicia, Faith, Sting, and Shakira might just be safe. The IDOL auditioners seemed a little, I dunno… irractitate.

I usually don’t post more than once a day but this is a special day.
Was I weeping tears of joy, relief, or awe?

I don’t know about you but I started getting choked up just seeing the opening graphics.

Never has a speech been so blunt and grim and yet so inspiring.

“Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.” I can just imagine George Bush hearing that, processing it, and fifteen minutes later saying, “Hey!”

Talk about a moment frozen in time. God, did it look cold. There was not even a heat lamp for Steven Spielberg.

Bright sunshine and bitter cold – could there be a better metaphor?

There were two million people in the mall. Where did they park?

We always knew Dick Cheney was Dr. Strangelove.

When Obama emerged from the Capitol and was introduced to the crowd I wondered, is there a president-elect theme?

Best network coverage: BBC America.

I love how Obama was administered the oath of office by a Chief Justice he voted to keep off the bench.

He actually became the president in the middle of the Yo-Yo Ma number. Classical music is always included in these programs to show the world we’re not just a bunch of yahoos.

Anybody know the point of that poem? I’m relatively sure it was the first time the words “boom box” were uttered at a presidential inauguration.

In a desperate attempt to promote Katie Couric, she appeared on the CBS NFL Halftime report on Sunday with the conceit being she was “friends” with anchor James Brown (pictured left). Oh yeah. James Brown and Katie Couric – BFF’s. I’m sure Katie writes frequently on Brown’s Facebook wall. He sends her fifteen Tweets daily.

Most networks were covering the inauguration but not all. TBS showed the next best thing, an episode of FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR. And E! paid tribute to this historic occasion by airing the “15 Most Shocking Political Scandals.”

Meanwhile, the BIOGRAPHY channel featured half hour profiles of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John McCain, Sarah Palin, and William Shatner.

So many highlights but seeing Bush fly away was probably the best.

Where can I get a hat like Aretha Franklin’s?

The festivities were marred by Senators Kennedy and Byrd needing immediate medical assistance at the luncheon. Hopefully they both will be alright. There’s a reason people their age go to Florida rather than standing in 15 degrees (wind chill) weather.

Oh, and next inauguration luncheon – get a new caterer.

I will say this — Katie Couric did seem in her element – hosting the parade coverage.

Meanwhile, over at NBC, hard hitting journalist Al Roker was on the street screaming like an idiot to get Obama’s attention. And then almost had an orgasm on the air because Obama said to him “it’s warm”. A delirious Al then shouted on camera “THIS IS EXCITING!” Even Jillian Barberie found that embarrassing.

When the actual parade began, with high school marching bands and tumbling acts the networks ended coverage. NBC went to the Martha Stewart Show. CBS bailed for Rachel Ray. And they wonder why people now go to CNN to get their news.

All in all this was a magnificent historic day. I will treasure the memories. And of course buy the commemorative plates.

More thoughts later as the festivities continue.

It’s maybe the oldest joke ever but there’s a guy who works at the circus. His job is to go around with a shovel behind the elephant, and clean up his mess. His friend says, “Why don’t you quit?” and he says, “What? And give up show business?”

Change show business to politics and that’s the glamor job Barack Obama accepts Tuesday at noon when our grateful country hands him the shovel.

Actually, considering the amount, he should be handed a steam shovel.

It is a day of worldwide celebration. A bigger event even than the AMERICAN IDOL finale and almost on a par with William Peterson leaving CSI. For the first time in eight years the United States has a leader.

I was just a kid when John F. Kennedy was sworn in. An entire elementary school huddled around one black and white television. It was thrilling, exciting, and I haven’t felt that way about a presidential inauguration since well… then. The last two I couldn’t watch. I imagine Hillary Clinton couldn’t watch the last three.

My prayers and best wishes to Barack Obama. If nothing else, thank you for instilling hope in these nightmarish times, for being able to string four words together in a cohesive sentence, for actually caring about the people you have pledged to serve, for loving MASH, and most of all, thank you for being the one willing to take charge when you hear…

ATTENTION! CLEAN-UP ON AISLE FIVE!